Archive for July, 2013

It’s a night for random musings.  Indulge me!

It’s a good thing kids and dogs are so cute.  If not, we would have annihilated ourselves long ago!

Why is it that we can experience such highs and lows?  I am either even keeled or very moody.  But today was too much turmoil, even for me.  I was tired and depressed.  Yet, I also found a new passion: film-making.  Driving in my convertible was exhilerating.  Yet, I brought down the mood at dinner by sharing my complicated feelings over a bank fiasco.  Today everything seemed to be my fault and yet not.  I really cannot take blame anymore.  And dealing with employees is seriously a contest for who has the most dramatic life or who wants to talk most about themselves.  I will honestly say that I do not love people.  I can sympathize with them, I can accept them for who they are, I can pity them, I can be angry with them, I can communicate with them, but I will never like or love them.  Although we all need human interaction to survive, and I would certainly go stir crazy if left to myself, I could definitely leave most of my interaction with people behind.  What a whiny, complaining, bitter race we are.  And I can totally identify with that because I am one of them.  But don’t let me near those people that are positive, upbeat and love their fellow human beings.  That’s crap!  They are not positive all of teh time, upbeat/downbeat-is there really a difference, and if love involves grace-forget it.  And you have the gall to make me feel like I am less than perfect because I’m down occassionally?  Seriously?

Why can the bank make me feel the whole depth of emotions?  Really?  It’s a bank.  Why am I defending my aging father, feeling like I need to be doing something differently, and getting pissed off.  That’s not why I pay them interest to use my money.

My husband is a saint.  Okay, he’s not a saint but he’s pretty good.  I am thankful he loves me and he loves to work with me.  And we have found a potential mutual interest.  Film-making/video production.  Okay-You Tube, social media production.  But it involves a camera, a recording and some creativity.  Why do we want to do it?  I’m not sure.  But just as I like to paint a picture with words, it is so much more amazing to literally paint a picture on film.  Let’s set a business plan and make a living because I could totally love this job!

I am now the invisible sister.  The shy, seductive but never shown sister.  I can totally see a video life for me!

It’s amazing that talking and writing about something totally takes the sting out of the event.  I could talk for 45 minutes about the bank making me feel like a dishonest loser that doesn’t pay enough attention to the inadequacies of my senile parents and still be angry.  But let me write about it for 5 minutes and the anger is gone.  Sometimes just airing it out lets the tension melt away.  At least the 45 minutes cemented the reason that I was angry.  It took away the causticness of the emotion and helped me consolidate my feelings into a form I could communicate.  That’s a lot better than a myriad of alternatives that are splashed across the morning paper.

Do I exhibit grace in my life?  I should as I have been the recipient of a tremendous amount of grace.  Read the above writing about not really liking people and you could put me on the list for needed improvement.  Truly, I do strive daily to exhibit grace.  Why is it that exhibiting grace does not mix with running a successful business and establishing firm boundaries.  Perhaps we need to accept that a monetarily driven business cannot survive when grace is present.  Profit drives out grace and therefore acceptance.  To be kind is to be unprofitable.  I think the Democrats and Republicans have that down pat.  Money or kindness but not both.

I can do my best but still feel inadequate.  I can try my hardest but not feel successful.  I can work myself to death and still feel like I have not done enough.  Why am I never satisfied?  It is not a want of wealth or possessions.  Perhaps that would be more understandable by today’s standards.  But no, it is a certain sense of failure, of inadequacy that does not allow me to appreciate and accept that which I accomplish.  I just want to feel like I have done enough, that I cannot try any harder, do any more.  I want to be able to lay my head on the pillow, knowing that there was no stone left unturned, no more I could do.  But what is the measure of performance-of success? For someone, even a smile at the end of the day is success.  A growing garden is success.  Being alive is success.  For me, a partially failing business, borderline mental illness, exhaustion, and ….are not success.  It must be perfection or it is not success.  Oh how tired I am.


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