Let’s cut to the chase. I am a 52 year old, overweight, overworked, lazy woman. I am slow and methodical. The older I get, the slower I get. I’d like to think I’m keeping up with the times and current technology, embracing the new trends. But really, how hip can a 52 year old be? I own my own business, I write, I cook from scratch and I love to read. Recently, my husband and I adopted (rescued, purchased,etc) a puppy. Diva is now 5 months old. She is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and she is full of energy, except when she’s sleeping! She has 2 speeds: overdrive and sleeping.
I will have to admit, sheepishly, that I am growing tired. I simply want to come home at 5, cook a yummy dinner, snuggle with Diva, read and go to bed. Bedtime for me is still 10 or later but I am lacking the motivation to work late, party, and blow away the world. Perhaps I need a vacation. Time away this year has been entirely around family. I love them all, but sometimes I just need alone time. I have to think that perhaps I am stretching my normal routine and this has impacted me. After all, I have attended 2 puppy play dates with Diva, actually trying to make conversation with other human beings that I don’t know real well. I’m putting myself out there by writing a business blog and an article for a bi-monthly magazine. I’m working hard to publicize/advertise my business and continually improve. My television watching and Facebook time have decreased by half or more in the last year. I don’t have season tickets to OSU football, although I have attended 3 games this season. My garden is a mess, my house not much better (and I have a housekeeper come every other week). I’m not having an affair and I don’t have a new hobby. What the hell am I doing with my time? Is it the dog? Is it my involvement on a board of directors? I honestly don’t know. I swear I am getting up earlier every day. I am working longer hours, it feels like. I am doing more cooking from scratch. But seriously, where does my time go? And why am I so tired?
Things are not necessarily getting harder. It is just that I don’t have any interest in them. I’m tired of trying to market myself, not that I ever really did. I’m that kind of woman that constantly gets overlooked because I am: short, nerdy, soft-spoken and plain. I attended a board meeting for a foundation last week. A man sitting at my table said he didn’t think he had met me. I proceeded to tell him that we are on a committee together which had met the week before but that he probably wouldn’t remember me because I am quiet. Seriously?! I chaired the committee meeting prior to the committee that we are both on. I seconded a motion in our committee meeting. I sat 2 chairs from him. Really? Am I that invisible. Sometimes I wish I was my sister-in-law Linda, constantly in everyone’s face. You cannot live in Corvallis and not notice Linda. She is thin, blonde and outspoken. Do I want to be her? No. Do I want to publicize myself that much? NO! But sometimes, maybe just once in a while, I wish someone would notice me. Look at me. Think I’m interesting, worthy, attractive. Do I want to succeed? Yes. How much am I willing to do to succeed? How much am I willing to sell myself? I should at least spend the time to make my dreams a reality. Instead, I wile my time away, walking the dogs, doing good and cooking from scratch. How much more unhealthy would I be if I cooked Lean Cuisines but finished my novel? How much?
What would Jane Austen Grow? 