What would Jane Austen Grow?

My husband is away on business and I miss him!  In that simple sentence is concealed a vast array of emotions, truths and untruths.  So many that is it is hard to comprehend.  Fact, my husband is away.  He is in Orlando Florida.  Fact, he is there on business.  At least I believed him when he told me it is business.  I trust him, so I didn’t call his work to verify it.  Do I need to check up on him?  I trust him, after all.  He is honest.  At least I think he is honest.  Truthfully, I do really trust him.  That doesn’t mean I don’t ask questions and I do occassionally interogate him about something or other.  But I don’t worry when he travels.  He worries that I will cheat when I travel.  I really don’t understand that fear.  If you saw a photo of us, you’d understand why it is a mystery to me.  He is handsome, sexy, intelligent and fun.  I am overweight, uptight and can’t imagine anyone being attracted to me.  He says that’s why he worries because if someone did actually come on to me, I might be so swept off my feet that I would cheat.  I think I give off so many “I’m taken, leave me alone” vibes that there’s absolutely zero chance that it could happen.

Fact, I miss him.  This is a loaded statement!  The truth is I do miss him.  I miss his company.  I feel like half of me is gone.  I miss all that he does for me and around the house.  I have to do all that he normally does plus what I normally do.  Granted, because it’s just me and our dog, Tipper, there isn’t quite as much to do.  Tipper adjusts to my schedule and I manage to get her out to fulfill nature’s call without too much stress or any accidents.  I’m no longer preparing a “meal” and the dishes are much fewer.  I only make myself tea about half of the time.  There isn’t any laundry yet.  Truth, I do miss our activities together, our routines.  I am lonely at times.  Untruth, I don’t miss him every minute.  Sometimes it feels like freedom to be able to do my own thing, have my own timing, worry about only myself.  I get up when I want.  I go to bed when I want.  I eat what I want.  I drink what I want.  Oh, he’s never told me I have to do anything.  He is not controlling, demanding.  But he does get his way when it is important to him and I know that he disapproves of my choices at times.  When he is gone, I feel that I have the freedom to read until 11:30 at night.  I don’t worry that I have eaten wheat and sugar for all my meals with only a token vegetable or two.  Granted, if I went more than two days like that, I would feel sick and be craving vegetables.  But when I am “good” I crave bread, sugar and fat.

Truth-I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to be without him.  I enjoy his company.  I enjoy our life together.  But the other truth that goes along with all of this is that I know if something did happen to us, I would survive.  I don’t want anything to happen.  I will do everything in my power to not let it happen.  But if something did happen, I would survive.  Actually, there is power in that.  And most of all, that power should awaken my true self that in turn will love him even more and make our life together even better.