What would Jane Austen Grow?

Let’s cut to the chase.  I am a 52 year old, overweight, overworked, lazy woman.  I am slow and methodical.  The older I get, the slower I get.  I’d like to think I’m keeping up with the times and current technology, embracing the new trends.  But really, how hip can a 52 year old be?  I own my own business, I write, I cook from scratch and I love to read.  Recently, my husband and I adopted (rescued, purchased,etc) a puppy.  Diva is now 5 months old.  She is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and she is full of energy, except when she’s sleeping!  She has 2 speeds: overdrive and sleeping.

I will have to admit, sheepishly, that  I am growing tired.  I simply want to come home at 5, cook a yummy dinner, snuggle with Diva, read and go to bed.  Bedtime for me is still 10 or later but I am lacking the motivation to work late, party, and blow away the world.  Perhaps I need a vacation.  Time away this year has been entirely around family.  I love them all, but sometimes I just need alone time.  I have to think that perhaps I am stretching my normal routine and this has impacted me.  After all, I have attended 2 puppy play dates with Diva, actually trying to make conversation with other human beings that I don’t know real well.  I’m putting myself out there by writing a business blog and an article for a bi-monthly magazine.  I’m working hard to publicize/advertise my business and continually improve.  My television watching and Facebook time have decreased by half or more in the last year.  I don’t have season tickets to OSU football, although I have attended 3 games this season.  My garden is a mess, my house not much better (and I have a housekeeper come every other week).  I’m not having an affair and I don’t have a new hobby.  What the hell am I doing with my time?  Is it the dog?  Is it my involvement on a board of directors?  I honestly don’t know.  I swear I am getting up earlier every day.  I am working longer hours, it feels like.  I am doing more cooking from scratch.  But seriously, where does my time go?  And why am I so tired?

Things are not necessarily getting harder.  It is just that I don’t have any interest in them.  I’m tired of trying to market myself, not that I ever really did.  I’m that kind of woman that constantly gets overlooked because I am: short, nerdy, soft-spoken and plain.  I attended a board meeting for a foundation last week.  A man sitting at my table said he didn’t think he had met me.  I proceeded to tell him that we are on a committee together which had met the week before but that he probably wouldn’t remember me because I am quiet.  Seriously?!  I chaired the committee meeting prior to the committee that we are both on.  I seconded a motion in our committee meeting.  I sat 2 chairs from him.  Really? Am I that invisible.  Sometimes I wish I was my sister-in-law Linda, constantly in everyone’s face.  You cannot live in Corvallis and not notice Linda.  She is thin, blonde and outspoken.  Do I want to be her?  No.  Do I want to publicize myself that much?  NO!  But sometimes, maybe just once in a while, I wish someone would notice me.  Look at me.  Think I’m interesting, worthy, attractive.  Do I want to succeed?  Yes. How much am I willing to do to succeed?  How much am I willing to sell myself?  I should at least spend the time to make my dreams a reality.  Instead, I wile my time away, walking the dogs, doing good and cooking from scratch.  How much more unhealthy would I be if I cooked Lean Cuisines but finished my novel?  How much?